Wedding Planner

Hey APW,

What a week for news, RIGHT? On Wednesday night, for the first time ever, the baby flat out refused to go to sleep at his normal bedtime. We finally brought him out to the living room (knowing when you’ve been beaten is a key part of my parenting philosophy), and it turned out the kid just wanted to watch the news. No joke. He stared intently at the screen, and occasionally turned to us and said, “Dat dat dat bbbbbbbb,” and then turned back to listen carefully to details of the VRA, DOMA, Prop 8, #StandWithWendy, and the Zimmerman trial.

As for me, I spent half of the week feeling like the kid was doing a better job articulating his feelings about the news than I was. On DOMA alone I vacillated between headspinningly overjoyed, and dealing with this totally unexpected near blinding rage that we didn’t have aLoving-esque decision. And that while Section 3 of DOMA was struck down, Section 2 of DOMA is still standing. Logical? Probably not. I know the timeline on a broader decision just shortened dramatically. But apparently that’s what happens when twenty years of your bottled up rage on an issue explodes at once. (Perhaps this is where I should recommend not slapping a happy face over your emotions for twenty years, even if you think it will help win hearts and minds?)

But mostly, this week was one for celebration, of heart stopping feminist moments, and of lots and lots to discuss. Plus, it was APW Pride week. Let’s get into it.

It’s your open thread, hop on it!

xoxo,
Meg

Highlights of APW Pride Week

Intern Elisabeth’s partner K on how it’s Elisabeth’s wedding, but her legally binding clambake.

Matthew & Mathew! Adorable gay male wedding in a clock tower, FTW!

Wedding style: Butch & Femme.

Open Thread: how we’re having good sex. Get it, girls.

Two ladies break down how they did it (with budget numbers) for their church social hall wedding. This is only the kind of wedding I’ve been talking about since… the dawn of time.

And finally, it may not technically be Pride related (though it is pretty Femme) our How-To on colorful oversized wedding bouquets is one of my favorite projects the APW staff has ever worked on.

Link Roundup

One of my favorite articles about the week and speaking out as women, comes from The Cut. Though the last word on Justice Alito rolling his eyes at Ginsberg comes from the ladies at Jezebel who said, “YOU LEAVE RUTH BADER GINSBURG ALONE, SAMUEL ALITO!” and “YOU DO NOT GET TO TALK TO MY PRETEND GRANDMA IN THIS WAY. I WILL KICK YOUR ASS, SIR. I MEAN IT.”

This article on “What White People Don’t Understand About Rachel Jeantel” is required reading. Married to a litigator, I’ve seen my share of reluctant witnesses, but something about Rachel Jeantel’s spunk in an emotionally exhausting situation won my heart. Take that, Mr. Knock Knock Joke.

And speaking of race, dig into the gutting of the Voting Rights Act with this piece from Colorlines.

But let’s get down to DOMA and Prop 8. We know the Supreme Court did it for Bert & Ernie, so I’m probably going to save this New Yorker cover forever.Continue reading APW Happy Hour!

by Wedding Planner, Managing Editor

In the past (almost) two years working for APW, I’ve seen and worked with a lot of companies as they came on board and joined the ranks of our team of sponsors. But it’s possible that none of them have worked harder to ingrain themselves into the community as a whole than Sarah Hoppes (or as I like to call her, my East Coast doppelganger). You probably know Sarah from the zillion smart, kind, and encouraging comments she leaves here every day. Or maybe you know her from the wedding she planned in a day thanks to Hurricane Sandy. But, today I’m thrilled to announce that, thanks in part to the APW community, the artist formerly known as Sarah Hoppes is now the bigger and better Smitten Chickens Photography, serving New York City and beyond!

Photography

First things first, it should be noted that when I opened up Sarah & Chris’ new site, my mouth dropped to the floor. These guys have spent every second since their last sponsored post honing their craft, and the proof is all over the portfolio. It’s the kind of artistic development that makes me really want to know where their stuff is going to be in another six months, because I bet I’ll be floored in a totally different way.

Video

With Sarah’s husband Chris now part of their operation, Smitten Chickens Photography is excited to offer video this year! Chris’ credentials include a legit film degree from the New York Film Academy, plus experience working in advertising, reality TV, and documentaries, and you can totally see it in the videos these guys produce. (My reaction when I saw one for the first time? “Well, this doesn’t look like anybody else’s. And that’s a damn good thing.”) If you hire Smitten Chickens Photography as your wedding photographers, then video is only $1,000 more ($2,000 if you’re hiring them just for video). And what you get for that might just be my favorite wedding video thing ever: the 1–2 minute video highlight reel. If you ask me, less is more when it comes to wedding videos, and the highlight reels like the one above are always what punch me the gut the hardest.

—Liz

The Original (Sadly Unanswered) Question From Matthew:

Meg,
I met you in Denver. I am Sara’s gay friend Matthew! I am reading your book right now and planning the best gay wedding ever. Something has been consuming me though, and I was wondering if you had any ideas since this is what you do. What do two gay men play instead of “Here Comes the Bride”? I have googled it, but was directed to sites that were not exactly what I hoped for. Mostly sites about anal sex and dildos. I wish I was kidding… Any ideas?

Your number one gay fan,
Matthew

Hi Matthew,

Meigh here. Meg told me I should (belatedly) answer this question, since, well, I’m gay and a wedding planner. It’s true, there aren’t a ton of resources for same-sex weddings, although it’s getting much better than it used to be. (Equally Wed, Gayweddings.com, and the old posts on So You’re EnGAYged can be helpful.) It seems like the question here is: “What makes a same-sex wedding different from a straight wedding?” My knee-jerk answer was, “Not much, because we’re all the same, EQUALITY, JERKS,” but I think the real answer is, “As much or as little as you want it to be.” In my experience, same-sex weddings tend toward the traditional—most likely because we’re navigating the murky waters of unclear legal status and social recognition. If we choose to marry (which not everybody in the LGBTQ community thinks is necessary) we often want to make sure our weddings are recognizable to the community so we get the same social benefits (if not all the legal ones) available to our heterosexual peers. However, a giant bash full of glitter and drag queens is an equally valid way to celebrate your commitment. (And OMG, somebody please hire me to plan that wedding!)

What tends to trip people up when planning a same-sex wedding is the multitude of gendered traditions that live in the cultural wedding script. When we’re faced with a deviation from the norm, we’re often not sure where to go. Weddings have all these sneaky rules, right? Like, a woman is escorted down the aisle to her waiting groom, or there’s a bouquet toss for the bride and a garter toss for the groom, or the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner. Whatever issue it is, it’s easy to get hung up on that stuff.

Luckily, as LGBTQ folks, deviation from the norm is our specialty. The really great thing about a same-sex wedding is you’re not bound up in all that gendered baggage. You’re free! Yes, you don’t have that heteronormative script to fall back on, but that means you get to really think about this whole wedding thing and what is going to work for you specifically. With that in mind, here are some concrete ideas for navigating past the gender roles in your Big Gay Wedding:

Here comes the Bride, er, Grooms?

Like with the above question, sometimes you get stuck on one little part of the wedding because you’re so used to only one way of doing things. Luckily, addressing this one is easy, because people of all orientations have been coming up with really cool ideas for processional and recessional music lately. APW has recently done playlists of first dance songs and classical music that contain lots of stuff that would be great for this. You can each have your own song for a moment in the spotlight, or you can choose one that has special meaning for you as a couple to play as you both walk. Also, you can just choose something that makes you feel happy.

Speaking of processionals, how the hell do we get to the altar/chuppah/birdcage installation/etc.?

This one can be kind of awkward. If you think of a wedding from a movie or TV, you’ll pretty much always see a ceremony in which only the bride processes down the aisle, typically escorted by her father. (Although in Jewish ceremonies it is traditional for both parties to process with both parents. Go equality!) So, if you’re taking turns in the processional, who goes first? One neat solution I’ve seen to this is to have your guests seated in a circle or semi circle, and process toward each other simultaneously from opposite sides. (Please note however, this arrangement is tough on your photographer, so a second shooter might be a good choice in this instance.) If your venue or personal taste don’t allow for this setup, rock-paper-scissors it and one of you can just precede the other. I promise it’ll look good either way.